Week 5: Kalia

Personally, the hardest part of this game is being secluded from the people you know you can trust and don't need to be convinced of their honest love for you. I miss my family and friends pretty much every single day of this game and realize more and more each day just how thankful I am for such extraordinary people in my life.

This week has been one of the hardest with just as many highs as lows. The actual HOH competition is a bit of a blur honestly. I knew I had to win and could tell everyone in the house was gunning for me to lose, so I stepped up to the podium, listened to the rules and said to myself, "I suck at chess, but I'm about to rock this competition," and I did. I barely remember the questions, but I knew if I just paid attention to key words and took the risk of ringing in before the question was complete, I'd nail every single one. I won't lie though, one of the things I never seem to remember in this house is the order in which we all fell off the banana, so guessing "Keith" was just that: a blind guess. Guess, I can thank Keith for that one:)

The greatest realization of the week for me is that HOH is NOT the safest spot in the house. It's actually the least at times. I was so excited to win (as I once again reacted with a crazy amount of emotion…Sheesh, could I cry anymore in this house?), but was immediately thwarted by the task of having to nominate two people for eviction. It is NOT easy to make nominations and as viewers saw, emotions ran high before, during, and after the ceremony showing just how insanely hard this game is. I knew I'd nominate Rachel, hands down. It isn't personal with Rachel, despite the fact that some personal exchanges have taken place. It is completely strategic as Rachel has told countless people as well as me that she's coming after me and Daniele. Nominating Jeff was to give myself some insurance that he'd not only play in the POV competition, but also play with such a fervor that he'd win. The only way I could make sure of this was to put him on the block and make him sing for his supper so to speak. It all sounded like a great plan until Jeff and Jordan screamed and threatened me just before the nomination ceremony. Suddenly I wasn't so sure anymore, not of the nominations but whether it was such a good idea to make another enemy in the name of getting Rachel out of the house. But I looked at my family's pictures, reminding myself of their resilience, how strong my mom has made me, and stepped out on the faith that my decisions were right and that I was here to play this game.

Then there's the twist. I hate the twist. I will never love the twist. I might never eat pretzels or braid my hair ever again because I am traumatized by twists. The fact that the next houseguest evicted will have a chance to get back in the game can only be described in one word: sucks. I truly started to feel like my HOH meant nothing; that me and Daniele's two part plan to get Brendon out last week and Rachel this week was ruined with one major possibility. That's the hardest part about the twist. It's the unknown. There have been many conspiracy theories in the house, but they all basically point to someone coming back to play the game. It goes without saying the person coming back will be one unhappy camper, having been voted out once before. The biggest fear is that Rachel may come right back…or worse, one of the first five evicted will have a chance to come back (Brendon). It's all a lot to take in and on a daily basis, my stress level rises as new theories, ideas, plans, and deals sprout up. I may have to hold out on winning another HOH for a bit...

I will say that through it all, I'm so proud of myself and what I've accomplished in this game so far. It was so hard for me to come in this house and sit on my hands, making no major moves, flying under the radar. I immediately saw that many people loved Lawon, my "partner," and knew I had to find safety with the veteran players on the other side of the house. Coasting through the first two and a half weeks went against everything that is me, but when it was time to open my mouth and roar, I stepped up and haven't turned back. I refuse to leave this game, whether it be next week or on the final day as the winner, with any regrets on how I played. I plan to play hard, period. I've fought most of my life for the things I've wanted and I don't plan on ever doing it differently. I jump every time and hope God gives me wings on the way.

I don't really want to go into detail with the houseguests. I think they're all awesome in different ways, but I really love one in particular... SHOCKER! I couldn't play this game without Dani and I don't mean that in just a strategic way. Her friendship is hands down the highlight of my days. If someone would've told me years ago, when Season 8 was airing, that I'd one day be BFF's with Daniele, I'd have never ever believed it. I love playing the game with her, love laughing and whispering into the night with her, love crying on her (which I do often), and love protecting her in this game whenever I can. I can't wait to continue our friendship outside of this house. I can't believe I found a lifelong friend in this game!

To my Momushka: I miss you more than words can say. Every single minute, I think of you. Having your smiling face in my HOH picture has literally gotten me through so many tough moments this week. You are the most amazing woman and I pray you are proud of me in this house. (Give Bentley a hug from me!!! I miss his crazy butt!)

To Erin and Loni: AHHH!! I miss you guys so much! You are my best friends, my guiding lights and I am constantly saying to myself What would Erin tell me to do? How would Loni figure this out? I love that I have sisters because we have an unbreAKAble bond and I appreciate you guys even more when I'm here.

To the rest of my family: I realize even more in this house just how lucky I am to have all of you. You guys have made me into the strong woman I am and your love literally lifts me higher. I miss you all so much and can't wait to see you!

To Derek: I had no clue, I'd miss you as much as I do. To say I was excited to see your picture in my HOH room would be the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year. You are such an incredible person and I literally fall asleep thinking about you most nights. I seriously cannot wait to see you the SECOND I get out of here. (PS the red swing arm does look pretty dope and I've somehow schooled everyone in here on Suga Free, you should be proud, lol). xoxo

My sisters from other mothers, I miss you guys like crazy. I think of you two often and hope you guys are watching!

To all my friends on the outside: I MISS YOU ALL DEARLY! If I could go into details on each one, this blog would run on forever. I've been blessed with the love of so many close friends. You guys are amazing!

To my fans (if I even have any LOL): Thanks for watching the show and I swear to you guys, it is NOT as easy as it looks from out there. That's one thing I've learned tenfold!

Finally, to my Blackberry: I hate living my life without you. I miss BBM, I miss the internet, I miss Guadalupe (my GPS navigator with the oddest accent), I miss the camera, I miss dropping you, I miss texts, I miss my silly Bluetooth not working. I can't WAIT to get you back! I will never let you go again.

As always: "See you at the top!!"

Kalia­